jokes

[Bellemorte]

Two women called at my door yesterday and asked what type of bread I ate?
When I said "white"
They lectured me on the benefits of brown bread for 20 mins
Bloody Hovis Witnessess!

[scriv]

John came home in great excitement and said to his wife,
Judie love, you'll never believe it dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking.
Really she said, interested at once. what is it!
Back to back John replies.
But that's crazy replies Judie . we cant do anything back to back.
Yes we can he says I've persuaded another couple to help out.

[Merryknees]

The Bacon Tree


Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet."

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee."

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree."

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget."

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree."

"Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...




Ees








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Ees








Ees








Ees






Eees a Ham Bush.

[Bellemorte]

The Estate Agents Carol-

Once in royal david's city
stood a lowly cattle shed
the asking price was half a mill
but now it's ninety grand instead...


The Bankers Carol-

while bankers watched their stocks by night
all crashing through the floor
the angel of the lord came down
to greet the nouveau poor

fear not said he (for mighty dread)
had gripped the high street banks
once all this fuss has died down
we'll blame it on the yanks

[Jude]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".

He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".

She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!".

[Jude]

Sick joke 1

West Midlands police force is looking for a rapist.

I'm going in tomorrow for a application form, does anyone else want one while im there?

Sick joke 2

I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to make love to the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a dump on the floor and pee everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink penis.

Let's see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that!

[Merryknees]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'Hunting flies' he responded.

'Oh! Killing any?' she asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 females,' he replied.



Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'

[Merryknees]

An Oirish Story.
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

[Bellemorte]

whats the definition of gross stupidity???
144 men!

[Bellemorte]

mr tickle wanted to marry the girl of his dreams, however tess was reluctant to take on his surname

[Jude]

Fact: Men are living proof that women can take a joke.

Q. What do you call the useless fatty tissue at the end of the penis?
A. A man

Q.What's the difference between a man and a toilet?
A. A toilet doesn''t follow you around after you''ve used it.

Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: Because men fake foreplay!

Q: What do you call a man who's lost all his intelligence?
A: A Widow!

Q: How do you get to a mans heart?
A: With an axe or a knife!

[Jude]

What do women want from a man: friendship, warmth, cuddles, understanding, love, companionship, respect, laughter.
What do men want from a woman: Show up naked - bring beer!

[Merryknees]

Finally! a woman who understands man ;-)