jokes

[Bellemorte]

Two women called at my door yesterday and asked what type of bread I ate?
When I said "white"
They lectured me on the benefits of brown bread for 20 mins
Bloody Hovis Witnessess!

[Bellemorte]

Woman was helping hubby to set up the computer
"you now have to enter a password"
Hubby feeling horny tries to hint to his wife and types "penis"
Wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied...
"Password rejected not long enough!"

[Bellemorte]

A woman once said a man is like a deck of cards....
you need a heart to love him,
a diamond to marry him,
a club to smash his head in
and a spade to bury the bugger..

[Jude]

Cowboy rides into town.
Dismounts, walks to the back of his horse, raises it's tail and kisses it's backside.

The local old men sitting on the benches watching are horrified.

Next day - Cowboy rides into town.
Dismounts, walks to the back of his horse, raises it's tail and kisses it's backside.

The local old men sitting on the benches watching are horrified.

This happens for 5 days in a row until one of the old timers decides to approach the cowboy.

"Howdy Pardner" says the oldie. " Seen yer ride in everyday fella and kiss yer horses ass. What in God's name's going on?"

"Chapped Lips" is the only response.

"Yer What?"

"Chapped Lips" says the cowboy again.

"Helps them heal does it?" the old timer says.

"Nope - but it sure as hell stops yer licking 'em"

[Jude]

Three elderly men were at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asked the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply.
The doctor said to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", he replied.

Then the doctor asked the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", he answered. "That's great!" said the doctor. "How did you get that answer??

"Easy," said the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

[Jude]

'Are your relatives in business?'
'Yes - in the iron and steel business'

'Oh, indeed?'
'Yes - me mother irons and me father steals

[Jude]

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to No. 3 for the meaning of nothing

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F-YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning you knew it had to be done but you were to lazy to do it and had to wait till I came home to do it. Men should automatically know it has to be done.
Also meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?'
For the woman's response refer to No 3.

[Jude]

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft..

Today, it's called golf

[Bellemorte]

If you ever think that life is shit
just imagine being an egg!
you only get smashed once
laid once
and the only bird to sit on your face is..
your mother!

[Jude]

Viagra is now available in powder form to go into tea

It doesn't enhance sexual performance
but it does stop your bisquit from going soft

[Jude]

A middle aged bloke chats up a young lass in a pub.

They find they get on well and go out again the next week.

He wines and dines her for a month before they finally end up in bed.

Afterwards they both lie there with their own seperate thoughts.

"If I'd known she was a virgin I would have been gentler" he thought,

" If I thought he could get it up at his age I'd have taken my tights off !!!!!!!"

[Bellemorte]

A little girl goes into a pet shop and asks "excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?"
The shop keepers heart melts,he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level, and says
"do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fluffy bwack wabbit.. or a widdle bwown wabbit?"
The little girl blushes, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers...
"I dont weally fink my pyfon gives a phuc!!!

[capt`n jack ,bearded ole pie-rate]

A young bloke pulls an older woman at a nightclub. She`s 61 but looks very good for her age. on the way back to her house , the bloke is thinking h`mm I bet her daughter is hot . when out of the blue , she asks if he`d like a Sportsman`s Double? "Whats that?" he asks .
"It`s a Mother & Daughter threesome" she says. "WOW YES PLEASE". So as they go in her front door , she puts the hall light on & shouts.....

"Mum are you still awake?"...